In May, some friends and I hosted the International Natural Hair Meet Up Day. This was the third year we have done the event and wanted to make this one the best year yet. We came up with the idea of having a panel discussion with natural hair stylists, natural hair bloggers, and the male perspective on natural hair. Little did I know, having two men on the panel would be a huge hit for the audience, in fact, it seemed like it was all we ended up talking about!
The two men included one who loved natural hair and one who didn’t care for it. The audience loved the different perspectives but obviously appreciated the male who loved our natural tresses more than the one who didn’t. You could feel the animosity from the audience for the male who gave some ridiculous and at times valid reasons as to why he didn’t like natural hair. At one point, one of the women even told him to “shut up, because you’re DONE!” It was a heated discussion for sure.
This panel got me thinking about how men who do not like natural hair affect women who are or are considering going natural.
I wandered how it made us feel to have something that we hold dear to our identity, unappreciated. How does it change our perspective on natural hair when the way we are naturally is seen as wrong? How many women have stayed true to the creamy crack because they were worried about finding a good man? Do we just ignore the shade, or do we really hurt from it? I think we hurt deeply, it does discourage some, and we may not know how to process or deal with it.
It may seem simple to just say, “If he doesn’t accept all of you, he isn’t the man for you.” However, the reality is that this is a major concern for women who want companionship, and to have children, all while married. Even if you do not want marriage or children, it can be a real issue for a woman to consider if she believes that going natural will limit her dating options.
None of this is new though. Hair has always been a major issue and what is considered beautiful is a constant concern. Men as well as women have been taught that only certain kinds of hair textures or styles are beautiful. They are simply going by what society has taught them. Not since the afro revolution in the 70’s, has kinky, curly, nappy (whatever you want to call it), hair been seen as beautiful.
We are in the early stages of another hair revolution though. The natural hair movement is growing daily. More women are accepting their natural textures and embracing their curls. More women are less likely to stand for a man who cannot love her completely. The more we accept ourselves, the less we are willing be with someone who can’t do the same. So men need to get with the times and accept us too, ALL of us.
Have you had to deal with men not liking your natural hair?
I think it is so hurtful to women of color, especially African American women, when the men of the same culture don’t like them natural. It is just another tick in the long list of ticks that AA men have against us. Fortunately I haven’t met anyone who said they hated my natural but unfortunately the men who praise it are not men from my own culture either. When I do wear my hair straight on occasion those are the days I get compliments from AA men so I see the preference however I’m never going back to relaxed and a straight style will only be done for me not for anyone else’s appreciation
Dating with natural hair is a problem unfortunately. I have known women to put perms on for their man because he didn’t like natural hair. I have had the same experience as the previous poster of white men saying my hair is beautiful and then my people only giving compliments when it is flat ironed. I plan on staying single until someone loves me for me and not a hairstyle.
When I made the decision to go natural almost two years ago my man of 6 years really was not all to supportive of it. He would support me if I got locs but not so much of just having natural hair because to him I don’t have “pretty hair” ( I have type 4 hair) so me being natural I felt discouraged most of the time. I held firm in my decision but honestly there were times where I felt insecure because he’s talking about how nice some girl hair looks because she has on some butt length straight weave. We argue about my natural hair occasionally whether it’s something he indirectly said like the weave thing, or him complaining about the time it takes me to handle my kinky hair. When I was transitioning I felt like he would actually not take me out sometimes because he was embarrassed. But when it grew APL and his friends started saying how much they love it and I got compliments from other females while out it would kinda change his outlook and he’ll look at it more openly but then because it’s not something he’s used to seeing I feel almost like he’s programmed to kinky hair being loc’ed or relaxed.
Like I said it is a bit of a damper he’s not that supportive and now he does give me compliments on my hair but I really can’t take it to genuinely. At the end of the day we ain’t breaking up over some hair whether him or the next guy or any person likes it that’s there personal problem. I do this for me and no one else. It gets tough at times but I constantly remind myself of the reasons I went natural and why I would continue to be natural!
I think there is a strong correlation between black males who don’t like kinky hair as well as dark skin. They usually go hand and hand. I can’t imagine staying with or hooking up with someone who can’t accept me fully and then throw it in my face his adoration for other women who have straight hair or a lighter complexion. To me, its a slap in the face. Balck women really need to look at all her options and not just stick with the same ole tired black males who can’t or won’t appreciate their natural beauty.
I guess my question is who said we have to date black men? If an AA man can’t see me in all of my shining glory then I don’t want him, simply put! If that particular man doesn’t want me then another man will. The fact that he may not like kinky hair on me makes me wonder how he views himself, because what grows out of my scalp is the same thing that grows out of his. He has some self hate issues of his own is what I would have to conclude and I don’t need nor want an insecure boy. A man knows how to support his woman!
so how do you tell someone that you dont want to wear weave if they constantly say you would look better with weave? i mean can you have pretty natural hair and have a ugly face? i no longer go after bi racial black men and as well black men period